There's no self-dignity when self-assembled furniture is involved

By Chuck Thompson | The Shelby Independent

The Sunday Column

OPINION / HUMOR – Ultimately, self-serve gas and check-outs, buffet restaurants and do-it-yourself-assembled furniture cost more in the long term after adding mental anguish and then the cost of therapy.

Whether it’s emotional therapy, or marriage counseling, there’s nothing cheap about self-service.

One day I was at a gas station standing in line and I looked out the front windows to see a car drive away with the gas pump handle still inserted in the car. Needless to say the hose broke off, and I never got to buy my beef jerky because the attendant went flying outside waving her arms and I decided I better move my truck before something bad happens.

I don’t know how long the driver continued before he/she noticed the nozzle and hose flapping in the wind, but I was gone before they returned.

At the self-checkout line at the grocery store, convenient as it may be, many of us have been stuck behind someone, waiting our turn, while the person in front of us constantly doesn’t know what they’re doing, or the machine is in a disagreeable mood…. “Please place item in the designated area” … how many times have we heard that while bagging our own groceries and had to wait for the attendant to walk over, again, and type in a code, again, so we could continue checking ourselves out, again, for the same price we pay if someone was to do it for us…

But the greatest tragedy to all mankind in this brave new “self-serve” world is two major items: The buffet line & the put-the-damn-thing-together-yourself furniture — the Godzilla & King Kong of self-assembled purchases.

Although not related, one annoys some and the other bothers others - many don’t seem to mind (much less have a choice) because it’s either convenient, or at least somewhat affordable.

However, regardless of your preferences, or income / budget, food and furniture are two things you should not pinch pennies on, because what you think is in your budget will only cost you so much more in the long run.

Some lose our faith in humanity when watching people in line at a buffet, while others lose their dignity, their man card, or their marriage during the construction process of putting together a TV stand that only looks like it’s leaning - but is completely level if you turn your head slightly to the left; and I’m not sure which is worse… having too many pieces left over after you build the bedroom dresser, or running out of parts before you finish.

  WARNING: If you enjoy buffets, please stop here… turn it off / shut it down / scroll away, exit out of this, because you don’t want to know what’s next.

Just don’t blame me a few months from now when you have forgotten about reading this and it suddenly comes flashing back in your mind while you are grabbing for one of those buttery bread rolls.

My concern for trusting people at the buffet actually began at a farmers market with a man using his “soiled hand” to pick up apples and put them back down, that had 'said hand' in his pants just a moment earlier, scratching away on his own buttocks area.

That’s when it hit me that I found it concerning that we lightly rinse our fruits off with water, such as biting into a delicious red apple, yet we are supposed to scrub our hands with soap & water. I guess it’s the thought that counts - we diligently (at least most of us) wash our hands before eating this “apple bottom jean” apple, unbeknownst to the buyer of such an apple…

Ignorance truly is bliss.

So then, some time later I’m in line at a buffet and see a person disregard the use of tongs to grab the bread, picking one up and tossing it down to grab the one underneath, also grabbing the banana pudding scooper close to the spoon part that they actually got banana pudding on their hand, licking it off and then continuing on, and going back up to the line again some time later. There's no reason for the side of anyone's hand to actually touch the banana pudding; who taught you how to hold a scooping spoon? 

The glass covering over the food is the mask of the face. A pointless feeling of security. It makes some feel better, but there’s so many different ways to cancel out its intended purpose, (only to keep sneezing & coughing particles off of the food) but doesn’t prevent the other ways to contaminate the long, glorious, never-ending buffet line of such magnificent choices, tainted by the hands of those who disregard common courtesy in a buffet line.

Then you get some sort of bug and you have to go to the doctor or miss work or whatever, and you know the rest...

Let's move on before you really think about this and get grossed out ...

As for self-assembled furniture… it’s much worse. 

Confidence and relationships have been destroyed by such an unnecessary magnitude of unimaginable excess of furniture pieces … created for only one purpose: to destroy all that you hold dear before you finish assembling said furniture, leaving you alone, shaken, questioning not only your ability to follow directions, but your own confidence, your intelligence, and purpose in this life.

A destroyer of families, homes, communities, and nations. A plague upon this world unlike we’ve ever seen in the past, all disguised as affordable, pleasant, simplistic furniture.

A wasteland of tiny parts and confusing weird shaped panels litter your floor as your room becomes unrecognizable in a sea of adult legos.

The Devils Decor in the real world.

It will have you begging for mercy in a time where it feels there is none.

After so much frustration, and beating your chest with the anger of King Kong, when the dust and bolts settle and the conflict with the cabinet, bedroom set, or tv stand is finished, all that is left is a few dozen unused parts, bruised egos, offended spouses, and suddenly you realize therapy and marriage counseling costs so much per week and divorce costs even more than that amazing $199 furniture set you bought to save money - which just cost you your dignity, questioned the authenticity of your college degree, and stripped you of your confidence - and at that moment, if you have a healthy relationship that survives the do-it-yourself furniture, a new title has been bestowed to you by your wife, and you are now known under her breath, forever and always, as: “You idiot.”

The price is just too much to pay.

Happy Sunday.