Opinion / Humor – Ladies, stop asking Santa for the perfect man

The Sunday Column, by Chuck Thompson

OPINION / HUMOR — I can tell it’s almost Christmas because that’s when I almost get kidnapped (or man-napped) on a daily basis. Y’all women need to please stop asking Santa Claus for the perfect man… I go through this every year.

I ain’t got time to elude and evade little elf-looking kidnappers all the time. I’m not as fast as I used to be.

I’m 47 now. Ladies, wheres the age limit??? I gotta be aged out of this thing by now… I’m not even that handsome anymore. Take me off your Christmas list…

I almost got lured into a van yesterday because some little elves told me they had a brand new set of free truck tires just for me in their van. But then I remembered what happened last time I fell for that trick, just last Tuesday — I suddenly remembered not to get in a car with strangers and ran the other direction.

Please ask for something else. Ask for a car, or $1,000,000 dollars, or something realistic like that. Stop trying to get me kidnapped because you want Santa to bring you the perfect man for Christmas. I'm getting real tired of this crap.

It's not even Thanksgiving yet; calm down. While everyone is out Christmas shopping I’m just watching my back, trying to avoid getting snatched off the streets.

But, seriously, ladies... for those of you that are single, and keep asking Santa for the perfect man — stop it. Just stop it. There's only one of me and I deserve respect, too. What are you going to do, share me with every other woman that asked Santa for the perfect man this Christmas? This ain’t "The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.”

I understand that some ladies want the perfect man, and I wish you the best of luck, but leave Christmas, Santa, and me out of it.

Hiding for the holidays,

Chuck

Read The Sunday Column, every week, only in The Shelby Independent.