Apple bottom jeans

A single red apple

OPINION / HUMOR — No, it’s not what you think, sorry; its much worse.

If you like apples, then just stop reading this right now… this is your warning… because if you read the whole thing then you’ll never look at apples the same way again.

And don’t comment about how you’re offended, or upset about this, because I warned you – this is your last chance.

Anything you read past this is your own choice…

Apple picking season in North Carolina tends to run from August through October, however, some are picked as early as July.

So, with apple picking season upon us, I only felt this is completely appropriate for the time, no matter how inappropriate it might seem to some — but consider it a friendly warning, a bit of advice, before you take a bite into that delicious juicy red apple in your kitchen.

Apples have always been a staple of a healthy diet.  They’re used in salads, recipes for both meals and deserts and by themselves they make a good snack.  It’s even thought that the ‘Tree of Life’ might have been an apple tree. 

Apples have been used in storytelling, through children’s’ classic cartoons and even scientific research, as we’ve all heard about Sir Isaac Newton and the “discovery” of gravity.

Apples are used in phrases for better living, such as “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” and bringing an apple to your teacher was once a sign of gratitude, whether or not anyone ever did that I don’t know..

I can remember going apple picking with my family as a child.  My parents would help pick the apples and then we would lightly wash them off and we would all enjoy a nice juicy red apple.

Even as late as college I went apple picking a few times; the apples would be lightly washed off, as to get any chemicals or dirt off of them - whatever the reason – and then they could be enjoyed as a snack on a hot summer’s day…

But that’s where I messed up – and some of you, too… lightly rinsing them off…

Sure, if they come straight off a tree that’s fine – but about a decade ago, the day I was at a mountain produce stand, and saw what I call “the apple bottom jeans incident” everything changed, forever.

It was a nice day, I can’t remember what month it was – but the apples were still delicious looking and the produce stand was crowded.

I walked towards the apple section when I couldn’t help but notice a fairly heavy-set older man whom had his back to me reach down into the back of his pants and either scratch his bottom or pull his underwear out of his butt crack – it’s hard to tell exactly, I didn’t stare long enough to get the details but as soon as I saw what he was doing I glanced away quickly suppressing my need to gag and puke as I walked up to the row of apples and begin looking at all the different color of apples.

This is where it gets worse.

“Nice selection of apples!” the man said to me.

He held one in his hand and as he turned towards me I could see this dark red large apple grasped firmly in his hand, that was just in his butt not a moment ago.

“Here’s a good one!” he added as if in slow motion his hand reached out towards me with the intention of handing me this now fouled apple held tightly in a hand of foulness and dookie particles.

“Here take this one!” he offered politely as I’m sure my face gave way to an expression of horror and repulsion.

“What, you don’t like apples?” he asked, “Go on this one is a nice one!”

I know he was just trying to be polite to the stranger standing next to him, but his loud voice and foul hand, holding this now ruined apple burned a hole into my soul as I froze and no matter how much I tried to run away I couldn’t move, or speak.

“Go, on, take it!” he said.

“I – I – I don’t like apples!” I exclaimed, in calm horror. 

It’s all I could say without wanting to yell, “You just had that hand in your butt crack! Leave me alone!”

But I didn’t. I maintained my composure and shook my head profusely – okay, I did the best I could to maintain my composure…

“You don’t like apples?!” he added in bewilderment, “Why not?”

Why not? Maybe because this guy is holding an apple that he wants to give to me that’s now tainted by his fecal fingers.

Suddenly, my mind went rushing in a matter of just a few split seconds (that which takes much longer to read than to think of, as my mind can go through a whole scenario in only seconds) of all the apples I had consumed over my lifetime that I had never picked myself and only lightly rinsed / washed off with a quick run-of-the-tap and I suddenly, in a horrific display of shock and disgust realized of all the people that could have coughed, sneezed, pee’d and pooped on their hands and then touched the apples that  I had eaten - and then I just let it out…

“You had your hand down your pants! I don’t want that apple!”

The only thing left to do was leave.  I'm sure I embarrassed him a little, and to this day I was very embarrassed that I said that; although if you know me then you know when something grosses me out I’ll just blurt it out in horror.

So, think about that the next time you eat an apple.

Does it really keep the doctor away?

Just make sure you rinse it off, thoroughly, before you take a bite.

I hope you all have a great week.

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