Criticism, phobias and dating over 40

Chuck Thompson | The Sunday Column

OPINION / HUMOR  – We're all critical of something, whether we admit it or not; sometimes it's warranted and other times it's just biased thought.

I’m so biased when it comes to politics, yeah... that’s why none of my Sunday Columns are about politics.  – Look in other publications if you want to read political columns on a Sunday.

The Shelby Independent is so biased... Well, some like to say so, but they don’t read everything and they only feel that way about certain people or certain articles.

And why is it that people who usually criticize college or professional sports teams also think they could do a better job on the field; as they sit in their recliner and eat pizza and drink whatever.

The same goes for any news. However, some people throwing around the criticism could possibly be journalists after they take a few journalism classes and obtain some formal training. Most people’s chances of being a journalist are massively higher than playing college or professional sports.

But even during a team's worst season, most athletes could absolutely walk all over us, regardless of how delusional you might feel about yourself.

Although, I’m sure many people who felt inclined to complain about the performance of the New England Patriots a week ago, possibly fumbled on the metaphorical 1-yard line with their Valentine’s Day gift-giving this year (in their partner's opinion) – but I’m not touching that subject neither.

But … always a big 'but' here, as a single man in my forties, I thought about what it would be like getting back into the dating world again, for anyone, at such an age and the expectations, standards, fears and excitement that come along with dating in your forties (or any age in real adulthood).

Ever since I’ve turned 40, I’ve started to develop some phobias about dating that I worry might come true.

While I can call it 'phobias' or just red flags, it's actually criticism, if I should be so bold and honest about it... See, I'm critical of certain behaviors and traits, as much as I hate to admit it, just as others have possibly criticized you and I in the past, and will continue to do so.

I have 40 fears for dating after 40; and something the other day reminded me of number 27.

I’ve listed them all here below - see if there’s anything you can relate to - in the past, or now.... Unless you’re married, and then if I were you, I’d just keep my thoughts to myself. You don’t want to get in trouble for commenting on this!

Dating at 40 Fear Number 40:

🚫 She takes a large life insurance policy out on me before we even get engaged (if at all). 🤨 why??? 😳

Dating at 40 Fear number 39:

🚫 She wants (or already has) a bunch of animals, not a few - A LOT - especially cats.

Dating at 40 Fear number 38:

🚫 There are nude photos of her floating around on the internet.

Dating at 40 Fear number 37:

🚫 She finds a nude photo of me floating around on the internet, such as - hypothetically speaking - I’m holding a watermelon under one arm, a red solo cup in the other hand and I’m wearing swim googles and hiking boots during my sophomore year of college. (no that’s not a real photo but just hypothetically as an example because back then we still took film photos, not digital)

Dating at 40 Fear number 36:

🚫 Her mother lives with her.

Dating at 40 Fear number 35:

🚫 I want to break up with her, but her dad just got out of prison.

Dating at 40 Fear number 34:

🚫 She’s very normal, like not psychotic at all - very chill & calm and happy - and I get suspicious and break up with her because I think it’s too good to be true.

🤨

Dating at 40 Fear number 33:

🚫 She’s an atheist. (What someone believes or doesn’t believe is their business, but I want a like-minded spouse one day; it’s important to me) 🤷‍♂️ but then again.... do I really want to spend eternity with the same person. Forever.. 🤔😬

Dating at 40 Fear number 32:

🚫 She starts buying my clothes and has really bad taste - or good stylish taste and I look ridiculous in a white feathered fedora, with a pink shirt and blue suspenders. I ain’t wearing that sh*t. Sorry.

Dating at 40 Fear number 31:

🚫 I really like her a lot - a lot .... She’s pregnant when I meet her. 🤦🏼‍♂️ 🙄Surprise! (I think there was a TV show about this at one time)

Dating at 40 Fear number 30:

🚫 She’s an idiot, but it takes a while to realize just how big of an idiot she really is.

Dating at 40 Fear number 29:

🚫 She’s bad with finances. "Shop 'til I drop" is her motto.

Dating at 40 Fear number 28:

🚫 She’s a twin and I accidentally hook up with her slutty twin thinking it’s her, but it isn’t, and then she dumps me for it, but I’m the victim in this scenario - it’s not my fault. 😐😬

Dating at 40 Fear number 27:

🚫 She likes to quilt or is in a knitting club and wants me to go with her (sometimes).

Dating at 40 Fear number 26:

🚫 She likes to watch Horror movies.

Dating at 40 Fear number 25:

🚫 She loves real spicy foods. Like all the time. I can’t do that. No offense. Not my thing.

Dating at 40 Fear number 24:

🚫 Funky Cold Medina.

Bye Sheena.

Dating at 40 Fear number 23:

🚫 She eats kale.

Dating at 40 Fear number 22:

🚫 She’s a ninjitsu master and gets mad at me easily over nothing all the time 👊🤜

Dating at 40 Fear number 21:

🚫 She lies about her age and in a couple years I’m helping her move into the nursing home. Confused. Heartbroken. Sad. (That’s just how I’ll feel I don’t know how she will feel about all this)

Dating at 40 Fear number 20:

🚫 She thinks (knows) I'm an idiot.

Dating at 40 Fear number 19:

🚫 Her ex-husband, Earl, just got out of prison and wants to “pound my ass” and I don’t know if that means he wants to beat me up .. or because he’s been in prison for so long it means something else..?

Either way I’m gone! Sorry, gotta go. Not waiting around to find out.

Dating at 40 Fear number 18:

🚫 She has lots and lots of dogs and enjoys using food in the bedroom (if you get my meaning) I’m sorry I’m not putting any peanut butter there with that dog staring at me. Forget it.

Dating at 40 Fear number 17:

🚫 Her TV gets only one channel, the Lifetime network.

Dating at 40 Fear number 16:

🚫 She’s the type that will probably have a Lifetime movie made about her crazy self one day.

Dating at 40 Fear number 15:

🚫 She can’t drive good and wants to drive everywhere. I guess we’ll take separate vehicles 🤷‍♂️

Dating at 40 Fear number 14:

🚫 She’s beautiful, but is attracted to ugly men and she really likes me.

Dating at 40 Fear number 13:

🚫 She wants to get married and have me murdered.

Dating at 40 Fear number 12:

🚫 She likes to text me all. day. long. non-stop. won’t. stop.

Somebody save me.

Dating at 40 Fear number 11:

🚫 She’s ready for me to meet her entire family after the first date and is planning the wedding.

Dating at 40 Fear number 10:

🚫 She doesn’t like to do that one thing except when it’s my birthday.

Dating at 40 Fear number 9:

🚫 She keeps it a secret that she has a bunch of kids until after I fall for her. And all the dads don’t pay child support.

Dating at 40 Fear number 8:

🚫 She listens to 1940’s Big Band music

Dating at 40 Fear number 7:

🚫 She’s mentally unstable. (See numbers 1-40)

Dating at 40 Fear number 6:

🚫 She’s mentally unstable and collects knives

Dating at 40 Fear number 5:

🚫 She’s mentally unstable and watches me sleep, and watches me eat, and watches me at work, and watches me while I do everything, but from behind a bush or hiding behind cars in parking lots. 😳

Dating at 40 Fear number 4:

🚫 She likes playing shuffleboard, doing water aerobics and frolic on nude beaches. 🤮

Dating at 40 Fear number 3:

🚫 She watches Discovery ID so much that I could “disappear” and y’all would never know that she did it.

Dating at 40 Fear number 2:

🚫 She doesn’t like to cook. I love home cooking and I’m not good at cooking - it was important in my life growing up and I think I’ve suffered enough with the bachelor life food. That’s all I’m asking - I’ll do my own laundry and clean up after. Just cook me something good ... life is brief and hard.

Dating at 40 Fear number 1:

🚫 She wants to get married.. like - immediately 😳

If I survive until next week after all the hate mail, please read the Sunday Column, every week, only in the Shelby Independent.

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