The corporate hostile takeover, organized by a parking lot attendant

It's amazing how people embellish their LinkedIn profiles

OPINION / HUMOR — I don’t get on LinkedIn much, so when I do it’s just to post an update for my latest book or update my resume, whatever, if that even happens. Usually not.

Some people use it as often as Instagram, TikTok, Snap or Facebook, others only have it as a way to keep their professional work portfolio up to date.

But the other night, as I logged onto LinkedIn to update my resume, I did something I hardly ever do - I read a plethora of my connections’ information and WOW!!

I do NOT do a great job bragging on myself as many others do.

I’m quite impressed, if it’s all true.

I was reading several different people’s work history and I was just simply amazed at how detailed they were with what they did at specific jobs / positions, and realized I need to step up my game and really polish my bragging rights - because isn’t that what LinkedIn is for? To boast ourselves for that “you never know when something might arise” random opportunity?

Maybe I just don’t care enough, or maybe I’m not as experienced enough, or maybe I just don’t know how to embellish and polish my work history to a fine chrome finish.

Is it ego, experience, desperation, or delusion that drives the detailed LinkedIn portfolio?

We may never know…

But what I do know is that apparently some (many) people on LinkedIn have very detailed information about what they claim to do in their professions.

It’s impressive!

For example, here’s a pretend version of what I see quite often for people’s descriptions of their job: (and please keep in mind I respect the duties of a parking lot attendant; I honestly couldn't do that career. I respect parking lot attendants, this is only about the way the job duties are explained on any given profile)

Parking Lot Attendant:

“Run an orderly tight pay booth window.

* Professional manage the window that slides open when a payment is made or a question is asked by a client (client meaning someone paying to park)

* Extensive knowledge of financials and currency movement.

* Critical thinking and mathematics efficiency in the enhance of monies through both cash and fintech payments.

* Excel and PowerPoint strategy for in-depth presentations in meetings.

* Negotiating multi-use parking rates in high stress accumulative business meetings, with high powered executives for maximizing parking and profitability record keeping through complex accredited software for credit risk analysis of situations to expand influence and growth of revenue.”

Basically they tend to the pay-by-hour parking lots but make it sound really good!

I couldn’t do that job.

I would never think to explain that taking money and handing someone loose change at a pay booth at a parking garage would be so complex and sound like it requires a MBA just to operate.

Now, let’s be clear… I’m NOT mocking or insulting your job if you’re a parking attendant employee whatsoever at all…

I’m just seriously impressed at how you word your duties in your respected profession.

I’m just not that clever at bragging on myself. It’s possible that I’m an idiot, and some of you would agree with me.

I’m just not clever enough to make my job sound interesting.

For example - If that were my job, it would say:

Parking Lot Attendant: “I sit in a booth and listen to people complain how expensive parking is and tell me the credit card machine on the gate is broken.”

I really need to step up my bragging skills on my LinkedIn

I’m a print journalist (or reporter depending whom you ask) and all I can think to say is:

Journalist / Reporter: “I write about the news and interview people.”

It might not get me that magical job - thinking someone is going to notice my LinkedIn profile and just beg me to come work for them, writing novels and doing meaningful heard-hitting investigative journalism or interviewing elected government officials, but it also won’t mislead anyone to thinking I can do something I actually can’t do.

I wonder how many hostile takeovers a parking lot attendant does each quarter … the job sounds very complicated and could give a CFO or a CEO a run for his position, but that just sounds too much like it’s a high-pressure job and I’m not sure I could do all that listed up above as a parking lot attendant.

I better just stick to journalism, and writing columns…

I just report the news and write columns… nothing worth explaining when it’s not all that complicated.

Then again, I just assume you know what it takes to do my job, but I could be wrong. It ain’t rocket science. Anybody can do my job if you can create a narrative from events, use appropriate sentence structure, grammar, and tell who, what, why, and when, with a strong ‘lede’ to set up the report.

Y’all can keep those other jobs, and I’ll stick to mine.

Obviously, I’m not qualified for “Negotiating multi-use parking rates in high stress accumulative business meetings, with high powered executives for maximizing parking and profitability record keeping through complex accredited software for credit risk analysis of situations to expand influence and growth of revenue.”

 Writing is where it’s at for me. It’s much less complicated.

After all, I barely can parallel park - much less deal with small change acquisitions and parking negotiations while working in a high stress environment.

Maybe if I ever change careers one day I’ll try being a brain surgeon.

I saw one of my connections is a brain surgeon and all he put in his description was “I perform neurological surgeries”

Sounds simple enough; think I’ll give it a try sometime.

Better log on to LinkedIn and update my resume.

“Looking for a brain surgeon job. Able to perform under high stress conditions with a paper cut and a wobbly office chair leg, without being distracted.”

Now we wait for the call … once somebody notices my LinkedIn profile and just insists on hiring me simply based on my skills.

Wait for it…. Any minute now they’ll see my resume and beg to hire me.

The doctor is in.

Have a great week.

Read the Sunday Column, every week, only in the Shelby Independent.