OPINION / HUMOR – The tin foil connection

I remember the first time I gave a girl I liked a giant Hershey kiss. I was in the 6^th or 7^th or 8^th grade – maybe I was in high school? I could just lie and pick a grade, but the girl involved in this opening paragraph memory might read this column, and then accuse me of spreading misinformation, so instead I just mentioned them all.

Anyway – It was the size of my fist and in a box, a giant Hershey’s Kiss wrapped in tinfoil just like the regular sized ones – or wait a minute – maybe she gave it to me? I doubt I thought of any such clever and romantic gift ideas when I was in the 6th or 7^th or 8^th – or maybe high school. I can’t remember that far back – heck, I don’t remember what I had for breakfast.

It was a special gift, one that I remember fondly, even if I can’t remember if she gave it to me, or I gave it to her – maybe for Valentine’s Day? Anyways – I’ll never forget it.

But it never occurred to me until a couple of years ago, just a few hours before I went to watch a football game in Rapid City, with a woman I had met while working on a story for the newspaper, that I soon realized just how dangerous it was to wrap such a savory, delightful mouth-melting tasty treat in such a vile and dangerous material called tin foil…

By now you’re probably wondering what happened … to this day I am still wondering how it happened, but I’ll do my best to try to explain it.

Somehow, I ate the tin foil on a Hershey's kiss.

I didn’t eat all of it – but I ate enough to notice. I can still taste this full metal jacket that wrapped this Hershey’s Kiss. I was talking to – I can’t remember her name but we’re still good friends today – I was talking to this woman as we were about to leave a restaurant and a young lady walked over to our table and gave us a handful of Hershey’s Kisses.

As we were leaving, walking and talking on our way to the car, I unwrapped one of these kisses and popped it into my mouth – IMMEDIATELY I tasted the tinfoil.

I calmly panicked as it made uncomfortable contact with my teeth and tongue, the barbarism of such an event is indescribable by any human language – I grimaced and wailed as the melting chocolate made it even more difficult to dislodge from my mouth and then … It happened. I somehow swallowed the tinfoil.

“Are you okay?” I remember what’s-her-name said, as I wondered what kind of face I had to be making to elicit a response from my dinner date.

“All good. I …. I accidentally think I just ate some tinfoil,” I replied.

She tried not to laugh as she reached out to put her hands on my cheeks, “Oh you poor baby!” she said in a Midwest accent.

I could feel it taking it’s time as it slid down my esophagus – cruising down the highway of pure hell towards my stomach at an alarming slow pace like an old man out for a Sunday drive at 7 o’clock in the morning on a Tuesday, holding up traffic, no care in the world except to go as slow as humanly possible.

It was weirdly uncomfortable.

It wasn’t until this moment that I realized I had never considered how Hershey’s could be so bold as to wrap such a savory, delicious, edible item in a potential premeditated murder weapon. I was surprised more people didn’t accidentally eat the tinfoil more often – or maybe they did and their experience was so horrific, and embarrassing, that they wouldn’t dare tell anyone else – but then again, as I’m writing this, I’ve never been publicly accused of being abundantly intelligent, so here I am telling you about my own tinfoil experience.

As soon as I got into the passenger seat of her S.U.V. I looked up why Hershey would wrap their chocolates in tin foil – followed by the dangers of eating it… yes, I found myself actually having to google “What happens if you eat tinfoil” – not for a child, but for a 40 year old man… Not exactly a high-point in my life.

This is what I discovered:

Hershey's Kisses are wrapped in foil primarily to preserve their freshness by creating a barrier against moisture, light, and oxygen. The foil also helps maintain their flavor and aroma, is lightweight for efficient packaging, and allows for custom molding to the chocolate's iconic shape, creating a distinctive visual appeal.

Preservation of Freshness & Quality

 Barrier against contaminants: The aluminum foil forms an effective barrier against air, moisture, light, and other contaminants that can degrade the chocolate's quality, smell, and flavor.

Prevents oxidation: Foil helps prevent the fats in the chocolate from oxidizing, which would make them go rancid.

Then, I looked up what to do if “someone” accidentally ate tin foil and it told me to stay calm – so of course I immediately panicked.

PSA: You never know – one of you reading this might accidentally do the same one day, so here is some information on what to do – and then what I did (which is what not to do).

If you accidentally swallow a small piece of aluminum foil, it will most likely pass through your digestive system without any harm, but you should monitor for symptoms like abdominal pain, vomiting, or difficulty swallowing, and seek medical help if these occur, especially if the piece was large, sharp, or if you have multiple symptoms. While aluminum can be an irritant, the risk from one small piece is typically low, and the concern is more about potential blockage or injury from larger, sharp, or multiple pieces.

1. Stay Calm:

A small piece is usually not a cause for major concern and will likely pass naturally.

Yep, didn’t do that. I quietly started having a mild panic attack on I-90 as we sped down through the dark, down the highway.

2. Hydrate:

Drinking water can help move the foil through your digestive tract.

Does drinking silent, salty, tears count? We had just finished our dinner – I didn’t have anything to drink with me in her vehicle. Oh, good grief, this isn’t going to end well…

3. Monitor Symptoms:

Watch for any signs of trouble, such as abdominal pain (I think my side is hurting, maybe it’s just an appendicitis – if I’m lucky), vomiting (I wasn’t sure if that was because of the tinfoil or her driving, she kept weaving through traffic like a banshee from hell – it was a football game, it’s okay if we don’t get there before it started), difficulty swallowing (Oh no, was that because I was worried or what – I hate looking up symptoms because then you suddenly think you have them), blood in your stool (ummm.. I was in her car so this wasn’t the time to do, or check, that right now).

4. Seek Medical Attention:

The information said if I was experiencing any of the symptoms above, have swallowed a large or multiple pieces, or are worried about the size and shape of the piece you swallowed, consult a healthcare provider. (I’m sorry but I didn’t exactly examine it before I decided to eat the tinfoil against my will…. How am I supposed to know to be concerned by the size or the shape of the tin foil? Who writes this stuff.)

Then, it listed precautionary measures – I thought to myself, "OK, maybe this will help.."

What to avoid: Eating more non-food items: Be careful to avoid eating other small, non-digestible items.

OH! Well.. there goes my next snack idea. No more non-food items? Well dang, I was going to eat my hat and maybe save my Apple watch for a snack before bed, but there goes that idea. I hate my life.

It also suggested avoiding smoking or Vaping: If you have throat discomfort, it's best to avoid irritating your throat further by smoking or vaping. (No shit, Sherlock? Ya think? Who are these informative suggestions written for, idiots? (Wondered the middle-aged man that ate tin foil.)

Oh, wait – more info…

No immediate poisoning (Okay, just delayed poisoning. Now, I can enjoy the football game with my lady friend and wait to die after I get home. Perfect. At least my date won’t be ruined, so that’s good news.)

The amount of aluminum in a small piece of foil is unlikely to cause significant aluminum poisoning or toxicity in the short term (More good news! Just insignificant poisoning or toxicity. This is getting better already.)

She looked over at me and I smiled the biggest fake smile behind the biggest “Oh shit” face.

I looked back down at my phone for one final bit of information –

Why it's usually not harmful: In small quantities, aluminum foil is typically not toxic or dangerous to the digestive system and will pass out in the stool. (Oh, good … why couldn’t they have said that sooner?! I wouldn’t even have read all that other stuff, first, had I known this.)

She asked me if everything was alright.

“All good here,” I replied with a smile through my clenched-teeth metal-tasting mouth.

Just then I noticed my iPhone kept trying to connect to random WiFi accounts as we turned off the highway and drove through a neighborhood. I pulled my phone closer to my body and the signal increased from two bars to four. I held my phone further away and the signal dropped again. Closer in – stronger signal. Held my hand out again – weaker signal.

“That’s weird…” I said quietly.

“What’s weird?” she asked, as she looked over at me and noticed I was moving my phone around slowly. “Oh, it’s the neighborhood,” she explained. “Some reason on this side of the hill the signal isn’t very good at times.”

Oh, whew! Close one, she thought I was just trying to figure out why the signal had dropped. I looked at my phone and had a full signal.

“My service is pretty good right now,” I replied, like an idiot.

“I have one bar, she said, pointing to the screen on her dash, displaying her phone info. “We must have different phone providers.”

As we pulled into the parking lot and searched for a parking space, she told me that I might have to take my belt off to go through the metal detectors because they set off pretty easily.

“That’s why I don’t wear any metal jewelry when I go to a game,” she added.

“Metal?” I repeated, like a moron.

“Yeah. Metal,” she agreed, giving me a look like I had no idea what she was talking about. “Are you okay?”

Suddenly I realized this tinfoil in my body could – however slim a chance set off these sensitive metal detectors. Probably not, but anything is possible.

But… What if I actually did set off the metal detectors when trying to get in the football game? How do I explain this? How dumb will I look? What am I a 2 year old?

I could just picture it now, law enforcement asking me to remove my belt, then my shoes, then my jeans because they had a metal button on the waist. Before you know it I’m standing there in my Optimus Prime boxer shorts getting waved over by metal wands, walking back and forth like I’m some old lady at the airport getting patted down and stripped searched for any weapons or dangerous material.

“No, no! I’m not hiding anything, officers!” I imagined myself begging for mercy long after the embarrassment of standing at the gate in my boxer shorts had already done enough damage. “I’m not hiding anything! I ate some tin foil earlier! I promise! You have to believe me, I ate some tin foil and that’s what’s setting off the metal detectors!”

At this point in my imaginary scenario my lady friend is long gone – I’ll never see her again, as I’m standing there in my Optimus Prime boxer shorts at the entrance to a football game while the crowd cheers and the drums play.

“Fumble by Chuck Thompson on the one yard line,” the announcer says over the PA system.

“No, seriously I accidentally ate some tinfoil!” I exclaimed over the noise of the football game.

“It was an accident!” I yelled.

“What was an accident?” she asked, as she put the vehicle in park.

I realized that I had gotten lost in my imagination for a moment.

“Uh, the tinfoil – I can’t believe I swallowed some of it,” I replied.

“It’s just a bit of tinfoil, ya big baby!” she smirked. “People do it all the time!”

We got out of her S.U.V as she looked at her phone.

“See, I don’t have any signal. I swear they do that on purpose here, for some reason. Nobody has a signal here during a football game. It’s probably to keep people from livestreaming the game on Facebook or something dumb like that,” she said as we walked to the ticket booth.

Just then my phone rang.

“How do you have a signal?” She looked surprised.

I just grimaced a smile and shrugged.

Was it the tin foil? I’ll never know for certain.

Have a great week.

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