What's in a name? I'll have the special, please

OPINION / HUMOR —The names of restaurants have always annoyed me. I don’t know why, that’s just how I’m wired.

It doesn’t mean they’re bad names… it’s just some are so obvious I can’t see why they couldn’t be more creative— but it apparently works, or else they wouldn’t be as successful as they are with an over obvious name (like Red Lobster) or their names have absolutely no indication of what they are or what they do that it causes me to wonder why they picked that name and then left it up to the customer to find out what exactly a customer can order at such a mysterious named place like Wendy’s … Wendy’s what…?

Steak ‘n shake sounds delicious but the last time I was in one I didn’t see a single soul eating a steak and a shake.

Red lobster gets right to the point — no catchy Captain Jim’s lobster bonanza, just what they do: red lobster.

Fat Burger doesn’t menace words, they tell it like it is. Good luck suing that place for causing the deterioration of your health; they said it was fat burger, what more do you want?

Five Guys… what are 5 guys doing with the burgers? Why does it take five guys to make my meal and why can’t I see in the kitchen… I don’t like that. Sounds creepy. I wouldn’t let my wife go there alone, unless I was into some weird stuff.

Carl’s Jr… I don’t understand any more than Hardee’s has to do with roast beef, but it seems to work — just makes me wonder how many times they had to answer the question “Why is it called Hardee’s and not Beef sandwich something?” What happened to Carl Sr.?

Jack in the Box, Fuddruckers, and SmashBurger — I think there’s some deeper issues there that therapists would like to dive into.

And what about Corn Dog 7… what happened to the first 6 corn dogs? Did they drop them on the floor or the recipe just wasn’t quite right until they got to number 7?

What if a bank was called Capital 8… “We finally got our finances figured out on the eighth try, so trust us with your money.”

Uh, think I’ll pass.

Sneaky Pete’s is a hotdog chain with 39 locations.

Nobody thinks it’s weird that a hotdog chain is called ‘Sneaky Pete’ …? It sounds like a perv that lives in his mom’s basement. What did he do to the hotdog and how did he sell enough to open 39 location and nobody question his intentions?

The Romans never made pizza but we’re all dumb enough to think Caesar did. (Or at least the Little Caesar, which ever that one was) After all, he got a salad named after him, too, that you stab with a fork, and takes about 23 bites to finish.

Biscuitville tells it like it is — basically saying we’re all about some damn biscuits, but Quiznos makes me wonder if I have to take a quiz before I can order and I’m there to eat, not think. Maybe that’s why they have all but completely disappeared… that place toasted their subs, which were fairly good, but the name didn’t register with customers and made my brain hurt.

Captain D’s — if your significant other likes to go there y’all have deeper issues you need to work out that is lurking deep in the subconscious.

But Red Lobster tells it straight up even though that’s a name they didn’t put much thought into — but then again maybe they did… maybe they considered naming it Blue Lobster but then realized some know-it-all nerdy prick would come in there and say “So, are your lobsters all blue? No? Then why did you name it that?”

(eye roll by the employees)

Long John Silver’s makes me think they sell pirate underwear- the old fashion kind that were pinkish in color with the mud flap on the back end.

BJ’s is a restaurant chain with over 200 locations for when the husband wants to send a subliminal message to his wife — that he wants to drink a beer and watch a game.

And what about Bob? Bob Evans is killing it with 440 locations and I have no clue what they have there. You had to go to find out (before the internet).

Have you ever actually ordered cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory? How many times?

Denny’s, Friendly’s, Golden Corral, what do these names mean?

And IHOP, we know it’s technically an abbreviation but more like IPOOP after you get done eating. If it doesn’t get you too, you’re lying - stop pretending.

And Hooters might make you hungry but it ain’t about the food fellas. Don't lie to yourself.

I'm pretty sure there was a place that served pancakes before the Original Pancake House, but we can’t be for certain — we’ll probably never know.

Planet Hollywood should just be a place where people go to be lectured, adored and praised for virtue signaling, and being offended by everything — but they apparently serve food and it's nothing like that.

While Ruby Tuesdays has some really good deals on Fridays and Saturdays, the Waffle House is the best place to go for... crispy bacon and runny eggs.

Dickey’s BBQ pit smoked the competition with the most chains across America, but Red, Hot & Blue is an up and coming BBQ place that sounds more like a patriotic strip club than a BBQ joint. I… I might have to go check that out just to be certain. I think it’s a BBQ restaurant.

Red Robin doesn’t serve birds for breakfast but you can get a big ice cream sundae there.

Someone should open an ice cream & burger restaurant and call it ‘Caramel Cardinal’ and offer everything to go on ice cream, EXCEPT caramel.

What? Oh that’s stupid? I still don’t see Red Robins on the menu… so check your attitude at the door and let me show you to your table, you mother fuddrucker.

If you don’t like what’s on the menu you can always go across the street to Ham’s… they have an excellent turkey sandwich.

Have a great week.

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